Change the Past

 So, like most writers, I use my life and experiences extensively in my stories and poetry.

You write what you know. That's why my stepdad always told me not to expect to write a bestseller until I was older. 

I have dealt with mental illness since I was a young teenager - and I didn't start to receive treatment for it until I was nearly 20. That span of 5-6 years where my mind wasn't entirely under my control was ... difficult. To say the least of it.

My relationships took the brunt of my instability. I was depressed, which manifested itself (when combined with your typical teenage angst) in isolation, self-absorption, anger, and just straight up not taking care of myself, sad and suicidal, good old fashioned depression.

I lost a really good friend because of this. She put up with my problems for years, until it finally became too much. I didn't know how to communicate very well back then - I was too much a victim in my own head and world. When I finally got to the point where I could recognize my own symptoms and head them off, it was too late. She wasn't willing to let that kind of drama (or what my drama was back then) back into her life. I'm a different person now, but I don't blame her.

Nobody wants to hold on to something that hurts them.

This hasn't stopped me from trying to re-write my past. My main character, Raven, has a lot of my same issues/symptoms. Write what you know. And boy do I know depression - I have lived with it for more than a decade. But in this version of the past, Raven will get treatment before it's too late.

And whenever this topic comes up, I always remember the book 'Atonement' by Ian McEwan. When it's too late for you to manufacture your own happy ending, but you can still write it into existence.

My first book (The Leaves of Autumn) helped me process and deal with some of the trauma from my past. My current book will be a balm to my heart as I try to rewrite the loss of a much-missed friendship. Perhaps I put too much of my pain into my stories, but what can I say? I write what I know.